Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
