i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
