Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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