im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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