The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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