Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
