Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
