I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
