nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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