Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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