Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
