We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
