I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
