i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
