she fell through a window trying to flash someone
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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