How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
