just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
