And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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