11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize