I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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