Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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