and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
