He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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