im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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