Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
