I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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