If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize