Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
