he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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