I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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