We won't sleep together?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
