There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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