I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
