Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
