she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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