I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
