you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
