She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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