How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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