I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
