are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
