thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
