the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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