I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
