We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
