Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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