Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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