i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
