dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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