Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
