If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
too bad you live with your parents still
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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