The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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