i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
