In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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