I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
