So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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