This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
