Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize