hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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