i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize