So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
whose parrot is this?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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