too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
