I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
