My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
