I didn't shave. On purpose
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
