I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Randomize
