Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
