I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
